


This is a Public Announcement (And You’re the Only One Who Knows)

by jjtaylor



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjtaylor/pseuds/jjtaylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon thinks coming out doesn't make any sense, because you can't just do it once. You have to tell everyone you meet, forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is a Public Announcement (And You’re the Only One Who Knows)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to phineasjones for beta. Written for the lgbtfest 2008. This story was originally posted on April 26th, 2008.

Brendon grins at a new boy sitting in front of him at morning prayer, from a family who's just moved here from Salt Lake City. The kid has sandy blond hair that Brendon wants to touch to see if it's as soft as it looks. The kid grins back, looking over his shoulder at Brendon, away, and back again. Brendon feels himself blush, and he knows then, in an instant, that he's different. He's 12.

He knows what homosexuality is, and how it's a sin, but Brendon doesn't connect his feelings to that big sin, though sometimes in the middle of church he panics, because someone might be able to see inside, see what he's thinking, the path he might go down. Still, all Brendon's really done is think about boys more than girls, and sometimes he has dreams about kissing the sandy haired boy, or a stranger, and wakes with his skin hot and his body doing things he's not supposed to think about.

Brendon's mom spends two hours on the phone when Brendon's cousin, his aunt's middle son, gets engaged. Brendon met the girl – the fiancée – when they visited last summer, and she was nice, and made his cousin blush all the time, which was hilarious to watch. When his mom finally hangs up, she comes over and hugs him, and tells him the news he already figured out from her ecstatic exclamations to her sister. Brendon kind of wants to call his cousin, even though they've never really talked on the phone, because he knows they must be so happy. His mother says the couple a perfect match, and it suddenly occurs to Brendon that, if he's ever going to be that happy, he's going to need to find his perfect match, to find someone like him. And his family will not be happy about that at all.

He makes a list in his head, of everyone he knows so he doesn't feel alone. Carlton, in the upper school, who got sent away to Michigan when his parents found him kissing his best friend, or so Brendon's heard. His cousin Marc, who his mom said moved away but his other cousins whispered about how he broke off his engagement and moved to New York City to live with another man. A couple of actors and musicians who Brendon has never met so he's not sure if they really count. The list is short enough Brendon can count everyone on his fingers, and he counts when he can't sleep, he counts when he's gone for a walk because the noise in the house is too much, he counts when girls smile at him and he smiles back and asks them out on parent-supervised dates, just like he's expected to. He wants to ask the girls if they've ever felt this way, but they all seem so perfect, even more than his guy friends, so inaccessible.

When Brendon first meets Ryan Ross, he thinks, _maybe_. Maybe Ryan belongs on the list. Ryan talks about music and he's shut off, guarded, and Brendon thinks maybe it's because Ryan carries a secret like Brendon does. Brendon's not guarded, really, he just tends to ramble on about everything he can think of to distract people, to cover for anything that might give him away. But Ryan wears make-up and clothes that maybe Brendon would think were hip fashion if he were cooler, and Ryan's a musician and maybe, just maybe.

Brendon decides it doesn't matter, either way, he still wants to be in the band, whether or not Ryan is. Is the same as Brendon. He takes everyone in: Spencer, cool, able to pull off wearing pink t-shirts and girls jeans, Brent, with pretty hair. He tries to tell if he's attracted to any of them, but that's not easy either, because it's all mixed up in the should he or shouldn't he, are they or aren't they, all mixed up in desperately wanting the band to work.

He thinks about Ryan Ross a lot, though, about Ryan's expression when Brendon gets something with the lyrics right, when he's just had a fight with his dad, when Spencer says something in that voice to stop them all bickering. He thinks that, if Ryan wanted to kiss him, he wouldn't say no.

He figures out, when Ryan and Spencer and Brent start talking about their girlfriends, that they're probably not like him, but then, Brendon's done a lot of talking about his girlfriends, too, and so he thinks, still, maybe there's a chance.

He keeps a lot of things secret from his parents: the band, his feelings about boys, his desire to move far away from Nevada. Then they have a fight, a fight that seemed almost inevitable. When his parents give him the ultimatum that it's either he quit the band or he leave their house, he feels relief flooding over him that it's that secret that came to light. Brendon knows that his parents kicking him out of the house over the band is just a test, a scare tactic to let him know how serious they are about him following their rules. It's just a test, like when his sister decided she wasn't going to eat meat and their mother said no more food until she ate her steak and left it out there on the plate all night. His sister didn't eat anything until dinner the next night when their mother made her a hot dog and Kraft mac and cheese. No one made her eat steak again. And so Brendon knew being kicked out of the house wasn't final. He knew he could always go back, it was just a matter of enduring a long day of hunger to show his parents he was serious. The band would be a hit and then his parents would know he'd done the right thing, even if they'd never be able to say it. If they found out the other secret, not the one about moving away, but the big secret, he thinks being thrown out of the house is hardly the worst thing his family could do to him.

Brendon and Ryan and Spencer and Brent spend a lot of time hanging out and talking about what the band will be like, when they make it, and Brendon can't listen to music now without imagining himself as the lead singer. He can't play the piano without thinking of playing on stage. And even though they barely have a couple of songs, Ryan tells them all, casually, that he asked Pete Wentz to come see their band, like he's saying he ordered pizza for lunch.

Pete, Brendon thinks, Pete for sure. Pete writes songs about being lonely and desperate, Pete says things to the press that just don't make sense if he isn't, Pete asked Ryan if he and the band were cute. Brendon just gets a feeling from Pete, and so he thinks, Pete has to be.

They play a song for Pete, and Brendon somehow talks Ryan into putting make-up on him while they're hanging out, which never happens, and Brendon decides that, ok, maybe he likes Ryan, or maybe he just likes this, someone close, sharing something important. He wonders if Pete and Patrick are - are something - he wonders if it's normal inside of bands, if it's something that happens, like a part of the process. Of being in a band. Of coming out. Of both.

Brendon eventually tells the band, though all of them, especially Ryan, already kind of knew because Brendon had been dropping hints about it forever. When they watched movies, sometimes Brendon said the guys were cute, and he made a point to say he didn't think the girls they saw when they were out getting coffee were as cute as everyone else thought they were, and once, he told Ryan he thought he was good-looking. But saying it out loud is different, somehow, and Brendon feels the compelling need for Ryan and Spencer and Brent to hear him say it before they go out on tour for real. The band is such a huge commitment for Brendon, and he thinks he ought to be completely honest, in case, maybe, they have any doubts about him. No one seems surprised and no one seems weird about it after, but then Brendon starts thinking about when he'll have to do it again, who he'll have to tell next. It feels pretty unfair that he has to tell people he's different. Brendon thinks coming out doesn't make any sense, because you can't just do it once. You have to tell everyone you meet, forever, and it just seems exhausting to Brendon that there's really no end.

Ryan is the one who thinks they should play it up on stage. It's what all the other bands do, touching each other, almost-kissing, acting. The choreographer works it in, the hapless lead singer in the face of a showgirl, and Brendon rehearses singing together in one mic with Ryan, like they're kissing through their singing. It's easy, because Brendon knows Ryan's limits, knows his boundaries, knows that Ryan's only doing it because of how it will play. And Brendon's ok with that, sure. It's what bands do, act out a romance on stage, fool around in a very scripted way. But Brendon knows the way he feels about it is different. Not so different that he can't act through it, not so different that he crushes on Ryan all over again. It's just sometimes he wants to play more, wants to kiss Ryan in the middle of a song, because they're up on stage and they sound good and it would be so easy to just take it there. Brendon wonders if maybe the stage play the other bands do is really heavily thought out and scripted, and if he's the only one who likes it.

Brendon has a bunch of excuses ready about not mixing dating and the scene but he finds he doesn't mind spending time with the scene girls. There's not a lot of pressure for him to do much, even to make conversation, he just has to drink and be sort-of famous and Brendon is surprised how making them like him is lot easier than he thought it would be. They're perfect girls, with perfectly polished looks, and Brendon is surprised when he finds he can't stop looking at them, and surprised at how much he likes it when they smile back at him, and move to sit a little closer.

Audrey asks if he has sisters who like his music and Lana asks if he misses Las Vegas and he tells them each that maybe he'll introduce them to his family someday, and they all know he's lying, but it's ok. Brendon doesn't mind lying so long as everyone knows it's happening.

When he's being helped out of his shirt by a beautiful scene girl with long, pink fingernails, Brendon decides maybe he likes being up onstage with Ryan better. But Brendon's not sure if that's about Ryan or about being on stage. And anyway, this is just sex, and right now it feels good.

The guys never ask what's going on, they never talk about what it means. Brendon's not even sure it means anything. It's not like he can just find a boy to date, and these girls are here, and they're sweet, they're totally sweet, and there's not that much of a line between being friends and dating, anyway. None of it's very complicated, and so when it ends, that's ok, too.

Magazine articles and gossip imply that they're gay because of the makeup, the costumes, the emo lyrics, and Brendon thinks, seriously, if only it were that easy to tell. Brendon thinks he really ought to abandon his list. It's so full of maybe's, possibly's, and sort of's that most of the time it makes no sense to remember, to recall everyone who might be something. Brendon thinks he's become good at looking for signs, the same ones he's sending out, but he's confused that he keeps getting things wrong. When he watches Gabe and Travis and William dancing with their hands on each others chests, and he wishes someone would tell him if he's doing something wrong, what language to use so that people will know, what combination of shoes and hoodies and glasses and colors will say, "This is what I like, this is who I am."

Brendon sometimes watches YouTube videos of him and Ryan onstage, and follows the links to videos of other bands, of the guys from my Chemical Romance making out in the middle of a concert, and knows they're just playing, just playing it up, because they're onstage, and Brendon thinks maybe that's what Panic will grow up into. Maybe they'll get more comfortable with each other and Jon will move like that on stage, Ryan will dance up next to Brendon and rub against his thigh. Maybe they just need to be a little older, a little more comfortable touring and holding an audience.

When Brendon tells Jon, he works up to it for an entire day, because Jon is new and he needs Jon to know. Jon's been playing with them for a couple weeks and Brendon's pretty sure both that he can trust Jon and that Ryan can trust Jon, which means Jon is going to stay, if he wants, which Brendon also thinks he does. Jon is easy-going, Jon is relaxed, and he's a good musician and he handles Brendon when Brendon's feeling quiet, when he's feeling manic, when he's onstage, and Brendon likes him in a very comfortable way. Brendon likes his band knowing, because then he can relax around them, not have to feel like he's keeping it a secret, and he doesn't want Jon to be surprised, doesn't want Jon to feel left out.

So, Brendon finds Jon just before sound check, before Ryan is there. Spencer is nearby, adjusting something in his kit, and Brendon waits for one of the techs who's stringing a mic cord to walk by and then just says it. "Hey, Jon Walker," his hands in his pockets, standing over Jon, who's kneeling next to a speaker and turning one of its knobs. "I'm gay."

"Oh, I figured," Jon says, looking up at him, and Brendon is relieved even though Spencer laughs. Brendon is relieved someone saw it, saw it was true, without him having to say anything at all. He smiles at Jon, lopsided, and Jon doesn't try to tell Brendon he's ok with it, just shrugs and smiles back at Brendon and lets it drop and Jon Walker is totally, totally Brendon's new best friend.

The first time he does something with a scene boy, it's a lot easier than Brendon thought. Brendon lets his bravado take over, taking in the way the boy looks at him, the tight t-shirt that makes Brendon want to crawl all over him, the look in his eyes that Brendon feels like mirrors his own at night after concerts, the adrenaline, the excitement, the want. Brendon's bravado fades, though, when he has the kid backed up against the bus, smiling and nervous, and he stutters and says, "Um, hey. Hi." And the kid beams at him and leans forward and kisses him, his mouth soft and hot and wet. They don't do anything but kiss, and Brendon pulls away, pleasantly flushed, and says, "So I should....."

The kid nods, still all smiles, though a little lazier, a little sexier. He gives Brendon his number, with a shrug like he knows it's just what he's supposed to do, that Brendon's never going to call. He leans in and kisses Brendon one more time and then rushes away, and Brendon breathes in the warm air and stares up at the line of streetlights before he gets on to the bus. He has a story ready, in case anyone asks, but Jon's on the phone and Spencer's eyes are closed and Ryan's not even back yet. Brendon ducks into his bunk and thinks about the boy, who has written "Jason" on the scrap of paper with his phone number. He adds Jason to the list, Jason with the tight black t-shirt, Jason who kisses slow and languid and smells like cloves.

He thinks about it in the morning once the rush of it has faded, freaking out about how much worse, how much more embarrassing it will be if it turns up on MySpace, in the news. He thinks about the call from the label, the one Ryan's always implying that hangs over everything they might do wrong. But there's nothing, even weeks later, and Brendon wonders if he was just lucky enough to pick a groupie who was enough like him, hidden, quiet about himself, that it will never end up in the public. Brendon doesn't really think kisses are meant for the public eye, not sweet ones like that, but a lot of things don't go quite the way Brendon expects. Journalists hang on their words, pick them apart, and it makes Brendon swing wildly from being extra careful to completely careless.

After a while, everyone important knows, anyone who Brendon considers a friend, anyone who might accidentally catch him or stop him from doing something stupid after a show. So he guesses that counts as coming out, but things still feel weird pretty much all of the time. He can still feel Ryan silently begging him not to make a big deal about it, meaning, don't say anything onstage, don't say anything to the press, don't say anything to the wrong person or get pictures posted to Buzznet with your hands down some guys pants – but, ok, Brendon's just not – it's not like he's going around screwing random people. Brendon just wants to find someone who's like him.

He kisses Greta one night when they're having a birthday party for Darren, and Greta laughs this great, warm, bubbling laugh. She ruffles his hair affectionately, and says, "You're gonna need to find another girl to fool." Brendon is puzzled and stares at her with a half-smile on his face until it registers. She knows. And he guesses he's said enough, been around her enough, but she's the first person he doesn't need to tell. He smiles widely at her and says, "But Greta, you're so pretty I can hardly resist you."

"Hey," she says, going suddenly tender. "If you ever need to talk. It's ok." He nods and makes a joke. It's a sweet offer, and he knows she means it, but he's just not sure what it is he'd talk about.

The first time Brendon kisses Jon, it's an accident. He keeps thinking of it as an accident, even after Jon kisses him back, even after they pretty much make out until they're both breathless and Brendon's shirt is rucked up in the front where he's been rubbing his chest against Jon's.

"Um?" Brendon says. Jon looks a little embarrassed. Brendon starts to apologize and Jon holds up his hand.

"You're just trying to figure things out," Jon says, and Brendon is, yeah, but it doesn't feel like just figuring things out when Jon's teeth are on his bottom lip, doesn't feel like Brendon's in his head at all, but, ok, sure, maybe that's what happens next, is that he figures things out.

That weekend, he kisses Jon two more times. Jon does not ever kiss him first, but he never hesitates to kiss back. Brendon thinks maybe this is the way things go, because Brendon's gay, and Jon's not, and so Brendon has to be the one to kiss him first. He's a little clumsy at it, at the approach, at knowing when is a good time and when isn't. Brendon kisses Jon right after Jon takes a sip of coffee and Brendon thinks, "oops" as he's leaning in, but then Jon's mouth is hot and tastes like coffee and Brendon groans into the kiss, and Jon cradles his hand against the back of Brendon's neck, just like Brendon's seen in movies.

That weekend there are new pictures of Pete and Ashlee out at a party, Lyn-Z and Gerard Way wearing pairs of matching greasepaint words on their necks. It makes Brendon feel lonely, and he isn't sure why, but Jon lets him try to explain. Brendon ends up explaining a lot. About Ryan. About the scene. He's never really talked about it before, and he feels like he understands things for the first time as soon as he says them, as soon as Jon smiles at him.

He's also pretty sure he likes being around Jon more than anyone, and he feels like Jon understands him, and so he decides he's going get Jon Walker to be his boyfriend. He won't have to tell anyone then, they'll just know, because Jon Walker's his boyfriend and when other boys have boyfriends, everyone knows what that means. He'll finally have settled somewhere. He'll wear Jon Walker's flip-flops and everyone will know.

The first step in his plan is to kiss Jon Walker again, and tell him he wants them to be boyfriends, and Brendon is sure it will be a lot easier if he's drunk, or at least if he pretends to be more drunk than he actually is. Brendon mixes several ounces of something terrible into his coffee and drinks it down in several gulps and waits until he feels the warmth flush his cheeks to go see Jon.

"I have been drinking," Brendon says as he saunters - or hopes he's doing a reasonable impression of sauntering - into where Jon's sitting.

"I can see that," Jon says. Brendon feels his eyes fall on the bottle Brendon's carrying.

"I'm not drinking straight from the bottle, Jon Walker, I brought this for you." He hands Jon the bottle, who takes it and sets it on the table.

"Thanks," Jon says, and Brendon sits down on the couch.

"Hi," Brendon says.

"What's going on, Bren," Jon says. His eyes are alert, and Brendon feels his courage fading quickly. "You don't usually drink alone. And you actually smell like coffee," Jon says as Brendon leans in and sprawls himself against Jon's chest. He feels Jon's sharp intake of breathe, but Jon doesn't push him away and after a minute, Jon's hand settles on Brendon's back. Brendon inhales deeply, smelling Jon's shirt and the warmth of Jon's skin under it.

"I have to drink this crap in coffee, it's gross," Brendon mumbles.

"Why are you drinking it if it's gross? Are we going to need to have an intervention?" Jon sounds calm, and he brushes at Brendon's hair once, friendly, comfortable.

Brendon thinks he just has to do it. He just has to lean up and kiss Jon. "I had a plan," Brendon says, lifting up a little so his chin is on Jon's chest. Jon smiles down at him. "I was going to be drunk and then it would be okay if I did this," Brendon says and then he does it, just leans up and kisses Jon. It's mostly dry lips and warmth breath and Jon pulls back and Brendon is holding his breath, waiting. He doesn't know what happens next. He has now kissed Jon Walker, and something is supposed to happen next.

Jon looks at Brendon, and Brendon can feel Jon looking at his mouth. "Jesus," Jon says and then he leans in and kisses Brendon, and this time, it's a real kiss, hot, slippery, and with tongues and Jon tugs at Brendon so he's draped over Jon's chest. Jon lays back so that Brendon's mostly on top of him and Brendon just keeps kissing Jon, because he's done this part, he knows how this part goes, or he knows how the kissing goes, he doesn't really know how kissing Jon Walker goes. "Jesus," Jon says again, dropping his head against the arm of the couch, looking up at Brendon. "You're beautiful like this. And I'm a bad person for liking it, for liking you confused and making bad decisions. I'm not - " Jon says, and then stops.

Brendon breathes out. He's blushing, he knows he is, because Jon Walker just called him beautiful. "I know you're not gay." He looks down at Jon's face, at the stubble, wants to feel it under his lips.

"No, Brendon, I mean - " Jon laughs. "Jesus, with you like this, I'd - It's not that simple. Listen, I can be your friend, I can help you figure things out."

"That's what I'm doing, figuring things out," Brendon says. Jon is warm and distracting and Brendon's heart is pumping in his chest.

"You've got this part pretty well figured out," Jon says. He trails his fingers through Brendon's hair, over his bottom lip. Brendon kisses Jon's fingers and Jon's breath shudders. "You're trying to figure out if it's ok," Jon says, "And I can tell you it is, I can tell you as we're kissing, I can whisper it into your ear, I can tell you as we're hanging out, but you need to know for yourself. I can't be your reason."

"It's ok," Brendon says, and he means it to be a question but Jon's nodding.

"Yeah, it's ok."

Brendon doesn't really understand. He must look as confused as he feels because Jon kisses him, soft, gentle, and says, "You need to be ok with just yourself," and then sits up, dislodging Brendon, who feels the alcohol and the coffee rush to his head. He sits on the couch, trying to think of what to tell Jon next, of what to say, of what his plan was supposed to be, how it was supposed to end. Jon leans down and kisses Brendon's forehead. "I've got your back, kid, ok?" Jon says, and walks out. The funny thing is, Brendon knows that he does. It's the one thing he's sure of.

Brendon spends forever writing his mom an email the next day. He never quite says it - just that she might hear some things and they can talk when he is home next, but that he has to say something because lying is worse. He hopes she'll understand, but he's also decided that he'll be fine if she says she doesn't.

Brendon doesn't decide he's going to come out in any single interview, he is just waiting for the right moment. He knows he's going to do it, though, because saying it means something he can't explain. He has to say it, to declare it. He has to tell people so they'll know, and so he'll know how it feels. How it feels to be him.

When it happens, when Brendon says it, in an answer to a random question about dating on the scene, it sounds awkward, forced, because it's always awkward to declare things about yourself. Who has to declare who they are in a five-minute interview? Who has to say, 'I'm different' every other breath? But it feels good as soon as it's out of Brendon's mouth, and the interviewer seems shocked but goes with it, asking other random questions, like it was no big deal, being good and reading Brendon's cues, not pushing it. Brendon can feel Ryan behind him, angry, hissing something, and he hears Jon whisper, "Ryan, Ry, this isn't about you. Let it go."

When it airs, when Brendon finally watches it, it looks like Ryan and Jon are just chatting, Spencer just smiling along. Ryan actually comes up and hugs Brendon after, and it's Ryan's way, apologizing without actually saying anything at all.

Pete calls him, and they have a good conversation, better and more real than they've ever had. Pete's just who he is, and Brendon's who he is, and Brendon appreciates that, maybe for the first time.

Jon pulls him aside, maybe a week after everyone who does any sort of music news has run their feature on gay Brendon Urie. "You're doing a good job," Jon says. Brendon is entirely too conscious of Jon's fingers on the waist of Brendon's jeans.

"Doing a good job being gay? Yeah, I've been studying for a long time."

Jon just pulls him into a hug. Brendon doesn't know what he wants from Jon, if he could even have it. But right now, Jon hugging him feels normal, and Brendon feels like himself.

"I'm ok, really, I'm ok," he tells Jon. He thinks he's starting to understand what that really feels like.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] This is a Public Announcement (And You’re the Only One Who Knows), by jjtaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755797) by [TheOneCalledEli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOneCalledEli/pseuds/TheOneCalledEli)




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